This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Tulane University prides itself on its open curriculum, which allows students to explore their interests before declaring their major. This past Friday, Tulane announced its newest courses, which will be available to students in fall 2025.
DOMESTIC MARIJUANA CULTIVATION — MARI 4210
Professor: Mary Jane Blunt
Credits: 3 (Lab Credit: 1)
Prerequisites: HERB 3010 (Advanced Botany II), LGST 3870 (Blackmailing Government Officials)
Course Notes: In this class, students will develop the skills and knowledge required to cultivate multiple strains of marijuana within their homes or dorms. The course begins with in-depth studies of the marijuana plant and its anatomy. The lab portion of the class will require students to cultivate and develop their own “farm,” which will be housed under their bed or in their closet. Additionally, students will study the role of state and federal government agencies in policing illegal marijuana cultivation and become experts in evading these regulatory agencies. Students will also build skills in forming trustworthy clientele and covering up the homicide of clientele who cause paranoia.
HISTORY OF AVIATOR NATION — AVNT 2000
Professor: TBA
Credits: 3
Prerequisites: None
Course Notes: In this class, students will develop an expansive knowledge of the company Aviator Nation. Beginning with its history and continuing into its future expansion, students will learn every detail of the company’s origins and operational structures. Students will learn how Aviator Nation has used targeted marketing techniques to gain the attention of Long Island teenage girls and NBA wives. They will develop broad knowledge of how the company has created a new marketing strategy that has inspired many other companies, including Golden Goose, Free City and Bling Bottles.
Optional Service-Learning Requirement: 20-hour service-learning component AVNT 2001. Students will visit the factories in Yemen and Somalia, where they will provide humanitarian aid to child laborers producing limited-edition Aviator Nation zip-ups.
FRATERNITY HAZING 101 — FHAZ 1010
Professor: Chad Bradman
Credits: 3
Prerequisites: DRNK 1020 (Introduction to Excessive Drinking)
Course Notes: In this class, students will develop expansive knowledge of fraternity hazing. Students will learn the importance of keeping traditions, honoring the founders, brotherhood and torturing innocent younger students, called “pledges,” leading to their eventual physical and mental demise. The course examines the impacts and implications of the “straight-A student to dropout pipeline” in addition to the “jeans and sandals phenomenon.” Students will develop the adequate skills to force “pledges” to break up with their girlfriends and sweep sexual assault allegations under the rug. Any student who takes this course will be well suited to embody the spirit of a Tulane frat boy!
THE BOOT: CUISINE AND MIXOLOGY — BOOT 4930
Professor: Kendall Jenner
Credits: 3
Prerequisites: BOOT 1010, BOOT 2010, BOOT 2030, BOOT 3200* (* may be taken concurrently)
Course Notes: In this advanced course, students will expand on their knowledge of The Boot by learning directly from the Boot Sous Chef and Boot “Mixologists.” Students will learn the craft of making watered-down drinks and throwing napkins. The Boot Sous Chef will enlighten students with the skills to make Boot delicacies, including reheated pizza, mozzarella sticks and fried pickles. Students will develop a new skillset to prepare them to work in the college bar industry.
*Note: Priority registration is reserved for Boot Majors only. Boot Minors will not receive priority registration for this course.
DOORDASH STUDIES — DASH 3450
Professor: Ronald McDonald
Credits: 3
Prerequisites: DASH 2010 (Fast Food Studies)
Course Notes: In this course, students will be exposed to the economics and marketing of the popular food delivery app, DoorDash. Students will be exposed to strategic ordering techniques, giving their driver a horrible tip, and ordering past 3 a.m. Students will learn how a variety of fast-food restaurants, including McDonalds, Taco Bell and Burger King strategically market their cuisine to be ordered by drunk college students. Students will leave this class as experts in the world of harassing minimum-wage delivery drivers and denying their American Express charges to their parents!
